in my head.

It has been my experience in life that when I show my emotions, I am told I am overreacting or being dramatic, or worst of all “being bipolar.” It’s kind of hard to want to be open with my feelings and not hide myself, when all I can worry about is if they’ll think I’m crazy for what I’m feeling. No wonder why I never actually want to talk about what I’m really thinking. Whenever I do, I get that look that says, “I’m not sure I want to deal with you anymore..” It’s even worse when I know I’m not overreacting, when it’s actually justified. And so I keep my mouth shut, and it all builds up until I can’t straighten anything out in my mind, and that’s the point when everything falls apart. But apparently keeping my mouth shut is the best option most of the time. I’m sick of all this baggage but I don’t know how to unload any of it; it probably doesn’t help that I feel like I can’t talk my feelings. I’m so tired of carrying all this weight. I’m tired of worrying about things because they’ve happened before - but I have to learn from my experiences, don’t I? it’s hard for me to think the same thing won’t happen again, when I made the same mistake over and over and got the same result – over and over. Insanity is repeating the same action over and over, expecting a different result. Maybe I am insane. But it’s just hard now – when he says they are just friends – to expect a different result, even though I do trust him more than any man I’ve ever been with. My mind keeps treacherously saying, “Why wouldn’t he want to leave me for someone closer, with more of his interests?” even when I trust him. But if he leaves, he leaves, and I know that. But that doesn’t mean I want him to. I know I love him because he makes me feel alive, safe, wanted – and because I know I’d hate to lose him. But maybe that’s just me.

All I want, in the end, is to feel like I can be myself and be entirely, utterly accepted for it. I’ve never known that. Either they love me in spite of my craziness or they leave. I’d love to be loved for my craziness as well as the rest of me. I’m really tired of hiding.